article-0-1B542ECC000005DC-942_634x397[1]I’m not the girl who men just walk right up to at the bar.

No, I’m the girl he sends his friend to ask about. The girl who often gets that perplexed “I can’t believe you’re so cool” comment. The girl who as I’ve been told by some of my male friends, “Has that sign across my forehead saying, don’t even bother coming up to me.” Now, by no means am I a Victoria Secret model, but as Jamaican’s would say “Tree definitely nah grow inna mi face” (meaning I’m not hard on the eyes).

Apparently, I come off as intimidating. I didn’t even know I was, and to this day cannot wrap my head around why?

One day, I watched a coworker of mine act completely helpless to catch the attentions of a physician. We were in the middle of conference and the air was way to cold. Seated close to the vent, I motioned to get a chair so I could close it. She then offered to do it instead. At this point, she put on this falsely elaborate attempt to move the chair over to the vent, and before you know it someone was rushing to facilitate this “woe is me” routine. Shortly after she left I asked a few male colleagues of mine, “Does that really work?” I got a resounding, “Yes.” When I asked why. The response was a frank, “Because we’re insecure.” Well I already knew that. What I didn’t get ,is how men can’t identify that it’s just an act?


It appears that men don’t really care. Much in the same way, that if given the choice, most men would prefer a real pair of D cups over a pair of silicone ones. When it comes down to it, a pair full big breasts whether they’re real or not is a pair of big breast. You see, once the ego is being stroked, a man doesn’t compute  whether it’s earnest or not. Too many steps of thinking to get that far. All the id knows is, ding! This girl needs me…I am needed by this girl….without me, she cannot lift chairs….she will always need me to lift her chairs. I will show her how awesome I am at chair lifting.

And without grave effort this girl has planted a seed. She’s opened up a welcoming platform that immediately allows a man to feel like a man. Now I, as I stumble across the room with chair in tow, would have readily climbed atop my seat, closed the vent and muttered afterward about the lack of chivalry and how no one insisted (cause I idiotically refused the first offer) on taking the chair.

A woman wants to be everything to her man. She wants to be the best cook, friend, and lay he’s ever had. On the other hand, a man needs to be everything to his partner. A lot of decisions made by men aren’t determined by how they feel, but rather by how that deciding factor makes them feel about themselves. The more said factor finessing the ego, the more enticing it becomes.

Confidence -while not a sense of weakness- immediately reads like a lot of work. That ding goes off and the id instead is swarmed with, Oh Lord, we’ve got a live one….She can probably do bad all bad herself…Probably don’t need no man…Eh, if she needs help she’ll ask. Sometimes that ego/superego kicks in and he’ll dig a little deeper, but as far as initial impressions go, that’s hardly ever the case.

The knight in shining armor and the damsel in distress are two centuries old clichés that remain today. Even the most capable of women want to be rescued. She could have the highest paying job in her circle, and will still join in on the proclamations to “Just want a man who can take care of her so she doesn’t have to work.” The same angst women feel to be rescued is the polar need men feel to do the rescuing. But if you don’t allow him to, how will he?

The Formula

0a77031b58279ab3ee488e25643c00d1[1]The damsel in distress routine works because everyone wants to play the hero. In any successful partnership there can only be one alpha. This is typically the man. In a time where opportunities and female ambition have almost leveled the field financially, ego stroking doesn’t come so easily. Financial rescuing is the easiest means of feeling the sense of power men crave. That’s why you’ll find many of your less ambitious female counterparts getting their car notes, rent, light bill or school fee paid. Because these women need (at least they give that impression) that man. The give him the opportunity to be their hero.

Now, to give credit where it is due, damsel’s aren’t needy. Needy dumb girls are a huge turn off for any man. Even the one’s whose feminine wiles appear enticing at first.

It’s important to make a man feel like a man. There is no harm in making someone feel needed or like your own personal hero from time to time.  It takes nothing from you. You are no less confident or strong because you share traits with the “girly girls.” They have a man. That said, the false routines are a bit more than I’d be willing to endure and chances are the type of men you  (talking to the confident girl) want wouldn’t fall victim to such behaviors. In a society where powerful women are often deemed effeminate, it is important to maintain a level of femininity around your partner. If you want to be taken care of, you need to be comfortable playing number 2 or the complete equal to your partner. There can only be one alpha, perhaps it shouldn’t be you.