A few years ago, I found myself in one of those “Why do smart girls do dumb things” kind of relationships; enthralled and totally in love with a seemingly great guy. He spent numerous nights in my home and I in his. We shared house keys, spent countless hours on the phone, shared every important moment together, and eventually met each other’s parents but ‘mutually’ weren’t into titles. One sunday afternoon, on the verge of his upcoming departure out of state, we made our way to the local super-store. As we strolled through the aisles, we briefly parted ways to find a few items. After a few moments our eyes met in the pharmaceuticals section where he had just completed an individual purchase. I casually asked, “What did you get?” Upon receiving quite a bit of resistance, I then insisted on knowing what was in the bag. He defeatingly showed me a box of condoms. We were no longer using them at that time.
Needles to say, several words were exchanged and it ultimately lead to the dissolution of whatever it is we could have called our previous engagement. Beyond the throws of our last days, one thing resonates with me still. I vividly recall some of his calm and self-convinced arguments. He spoke with such assurance, as if pleading with my ignorance. So convinced of his notions, he would say, “I have never cheated on you but I’m only human;”at least I’m being upfront with you;” “at least I’d be wearing a condom;” I didn’t have to be honest with you.” I wrote him off as being an asshole whose success and ego were too large to comprehend concepts of monogamy, sacrifice, and compromise. I knew I deserved better and after a few weeks too long, decided I couldn’t allow myself to get wrapped up in his foolishness.
A few weeks ago, I had lunch with an old friend of mine. Having spoken so highly of her marriage on numerous occasions, I warmly asked how things were at home. She confessed that she had a few indiscretions with a mutual friend of ours earlier in her marriage but that she got her act together really quickly and hadn’t been unfaithful since. She thereafter shared an argument that ensued with husband a few days prior to our meeting. Apparently, he had barely beat the sun home one Friday night. The following morning she went through his phone to find an explicit message sent just a few moments before he got home. Upon confrontation and in recount to me, she scolded him saying, “If you bring anything home to me in here, things will get so real you won’t know what hit you!”
As I listened to her share this news, it vividly stood out to me how she was angered by the disrespect of him coming home late and the possibility that he may have not used protection. No where in the rant was there some devastation that he was being unfaithful. That was almost the least of the issue.
When you’re much younger, it seems like everyone is having babies at the drop of a hat. As you get older, you realize it’s not that easy to procreate. It often feels that way with marriages too. When you’re younger, all anyone ever says is “they’ve been together for 25 years now,” or “Aren’t Jonathan and Katy the cutest. He’s such a great guy.” No one says, “Girl you know of those 25 years, she kicked him out for getting some girl pregnant earlier on in the marriage,” or “Jonathan and Katy have an open relationship.” As you get older, the so called “bad” stories become so common that it seems we’ve become desensitized to what the morally correct thing is to do. Its so common to hear a man has cheated at some point in a long-term relationship that so many of my female peers have succumb to this “At least he….” kind of nonchalance. That is, the “at least he comes home to me at night” kind of mentality; or the “at least the kids and I want for nothing” kind of mentality. What’s worse, is the conversations you have with older women who warn that this ‘leaving your cheating husband’ business is something this generation has come with. As though it’s a trend to expect faithfulness. It’s damn near saddening.
There are an abundance of women who know they are sharing their husbands with someone else. The pitiful conditioning that says a marriage can uphold it’s integrity because your partner doesn’t throw his exploits in your face. It’s different isn’t it? “I mean, if no one knows that I know, then I don’t appear accepting.” In this hypocritical, 50% chance of surviving, monogamous world so many arguments are made for the so-called integrity of marriage.
In discussions about infidelity I have so many male friends who proclaim “it’s different for a man.” What’s worse is that I have several female counterparts that concur. It continues to baffle me that it’s such common place to subscribe to the idea that men have less self-control, or that males are more sexual than females. One is truly left to ponder, am I rationally convicted or unblissfully naive.
The idea of settling remains so unsettling to many of us, but the truth is we all do. No one person can be everything we want. We spend years sifting through bad relationships, concurrently deciphering the things we can’t live with and the things we absolutely can’t live without. As years pass, that list becomes more refined. We call it maturity and further disguise our needs with claims of compromise, but we’ve settled. I wonder, what would I have settled for if/when I meet someone. Is this concept of “at least he..” truly the reality of so many marriages? Will it become the reality of mine.
What are your thoughts on settling?
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tmmacintlTracy-Ann
November 12, 2014 at 12:08 am (10 years ago)Hmmm … quite interesting
Shad
May 25, 2014 at 7:26 am (11 years ago)Its funny how every woman who posted a “list” of what they expect from their men have yet to list what they will contribute to the relationship. I’ve come to notice that so many relationships have become focused on “me” “what i want” “if i dont get this then…” and “i wont compromise”, yet the core of the survival of a relationship is “compromise”. For its survival you have to liken ur romantic relationship with that of those you have with close friends and family, especially family. Take my sister for example. We love each other to the ends of the world, yet there are habits i absolutely can’t stand that she indulges in, and i’m pretty sure she has a couple peeves about me. Yet even after a huge argument, before the day is done we’re laughing and watching tv together.
We’re all human. Us as women, we’re very sensitive and we get much more emotional about certain things that men really don’t focus on. When i want him to tell me if this dress looks better than the other, he honestly doesn’t care as long as it looks nice, but he will tell me that he loves this one better simply because it will make me feel better. What will work for some wont work for others. “Settling” isn’t a bad thing because at the end of the day, if u decide to actually be with someone, you’re going to settle and that is unavoidable. The only thing you should worry about is whether the person you settle with will give to you as much as you WILL give to them. Investing in each other is what its all about.
Aidan Neal
May 25, 2014 at 7:31 am (11 years ago)Perfection
Thamar
May 20, 2014 at 12:48 am (11 years ago)I have to believe God did not lie to my concience. That some men love God enough to love others without knowingly hurt them.
Aidan Neal
May 20, 2014 at 12:55 am (11 years ago)The love man has for God does not make him or her any less human. I do not believe god fearing and/or any conscientious person has intentions of hurting people. The true consequence of our actions is often overridden before sinful acts. Sometimes good people do bad things…
Camiddle
May 19, 2014 at 6:23 pm (11 years ago)I am a 38, professional female who from 2004 – 2011 was settling.. I “knew” he was unfaithful, but as i had no ‘real’ proof I ignored the hints and looked to the good he did. When he got married without my knowledge, it made me realise that i was only fooling myself. i had my own issues and looking back I now know that I was not allowing me to be happy by insisting that he be faithful. my current partner is a little younger than me but we are at the same point in our lives, looking for the same thing. thus far there hasn’t been any cause to even suspect that he is unfaithful.
I say all of that to say this, Men can be faithful, if: 1. They are ready to settle down and 2. Their partner expects it of them. If one sets what is the minimum one will accept, their partner will either do the bare minimum or exceeds ones expectations.
Aidan Neal
May 19, 2014 at 6:44 pm (11 years ago)In the movie perks of being a wallflower the lead character expressed to his love interest, “we accept the love we believe we deserve.” Expectations are a tricky subject and can often be skewed and lead to the disregard of loyal deserving persons. One should value themselves. The bar we set for ourselves has great impact on how those who surround us will behave.
mishi
May 19, 2014 at 3:25 am (11 years ago)I noticed that infidelity is the “main” concern here. I really do think that at times we women cause our men to believe that they are doing everything right with them by enhancing there ego….I am sure there are times when the “sex is not all that but we fake our organism, moan and groan as if the world is coming to an end just to show that he is the man and he is great at delivering I bed. Truth be told, that is not always true and if we are truly honest with our men, and let them know when it is good and that there are times that they do not deliver, I bet some would not take the risk of facing an embarrassing situation of failing to deliver with someone else….I’m just saying….
Aidan Neal
May 19, 2014 at 3:29 am (11 years ago)On the other hand mishi while I am an advocate for honesty, I disagree somewhat. Men need to feel like men. If ur honesty fuels his insecurity about his performance, then he’ll certainly seek out someone who can make him feel better about himself. Such a fickle thing, the ego of man
Sibongile
May 18, 2014 at 9:22 pm (11 years ago)I am only 19, turning 20 in September and I often think I am too young to think about marriage…but it is my heart’s greatest desire. I really want to get married but I will not settle for any less of a man who is honest, faithful, funny, ambitious, physically active, has a great relationship with Christ, confident, loving, none drinker or smoker…the list is endless but I always tell myself that this kind of man is hard to find but I’ll trust the Lord to bring him my way. Also, I would rather be alone than be unhappy. I believe in love and the “till death do us part” marriage…so yep, I will not lose hope. The thing I feel we always forget is that no one is perfect, we should know that through self evaluation therefore for example one could get a man who has all the above qualities but can’t be funny, lacks one thing or the other (but his faithfulness is my greatest need), or has all the qualities but is drinks and smokes etc…will one not try the relationship out? Marriage is sacred and beautiful and before anyone enters into it, they should be whole, have a relationship with God, so that we are never wanting or seeking to be completed by our spouse cos’ that’s usually why love and marriages fail cos’ maybe the man you are with can not meet all your expectations, no matter what he does, whether he has all the traits I listed for my ideal husband, but if I have not found the Lord, then this great man will never be enough for me…I will then be forever in search of more than what he can provide – in which all that he would be providing at the time would have been all that I’d ever need therefore that’s why I always look to God’s word: “For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.”But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” – Matthew 6:32-34
Aidan Neal
May 18, 2014 at 9:37 pm (11 years ago)Great response Sibongile! Faith and spirituality are great sources of guidance when it comes to the most important decisions. One should never settle but self evaluation is important. That way we can decipher when we’re nitpicking or considering life-impacting preferences
kelleigh16
April 29, 2014 at 7:20 pm (11 years ago)I am also saddened by how many women accept truly unacceptable behavior like infidelity because they don’t think they deserve better or don’t think better exists. I am 33 and have never been married. I have had a few semi long term relationships, but have never been in a relationship with someone I would want to try and build a life with. I am completely unwilling to settle. My expectations are basic in my opinion and I am fully aware no man can provide me with all the emotional support I need. I have sisters and great girlfriends. I am content being single and my life is very full. I agree that a lot of women my age start getting restless and settle. I want a man who is honest, ambitious, funny, faithful, thoughtful, attractive, spiritual, physically active, and confident. I would rather be single than married to someone who lies to me or takes me for granted.
Aidan Neal
April 29, 2014 at 11:00 pm (11 years ago)Great outlook Kelleigh! When you’re aware of your self worth and what you deserve put of life, the wait is often a bit longer
Evil Buckle (@MisterCheez)
May 18, 2014 at 11:10 pm (11 years ago)>> As a general rule, infidelity is not “truly unacceptable” behavior. Many… many happy relationships thrive in large part because of their acceptance of infidelity, and the perception that it isn’t something bad. I can however appreciate if YOU can’t accept it, so I’ll assume that’s what yo meant.
>> “… I am fully aware no man can provide me with all the emotional support I need.”
You’re absolutely right, and I hope this awareness is firmly based on the understanding that no man – or relationship – should ever be expected to.
>> I always find it funny when a woman’s list of “must-haves” in a man includes “attractiveness”… especially when the list isn’t short. In my experience I’ve found it to be a red flag. You’d think meeting a man who checks all the other boxes, would inherently mean meeting a man who is very attractive, but I guess it doesn’t. lol. Ahh well.
Aidan Neal
May 18, 2014 at 11:39 pm (11 years ago)Infidelity in its dedinition includes the term “violation.” Any violation is unacceptable. Open relationships are quite acceptable as is any extramarital coitus that both parties are accepting of.
Its a global and incorrect statement to generalize that a woman’s list is typically long. Also attractiveness should not be a red flag. Physical attractiveness is a key factor for the intiation and upkeep of any union.
Evil Buckle (@MisterCheez)
May 19, 2014 at 8:11 pm (11 years ago)I didn’t generalize. I’ll notice I used the term “I” at the start of the sentence. It’s based on my perception, as it goes without saying that “long” is subjective when referring to a list.
Also, I didn’t say attractiveness is the red flag.
Attractiveness is entirely a matter of perception, and perceptions change with understanding. Any woman who meets a man who checks off 9 of ten things on her list, yet is unable to perceive dude as attractive, has issues. I’m no saying he should automatically become Brad Pitt in her eyes, but whatever pre-conceived – and media forged – notions she possessed on what is considered attractive, surely should begin to change. At least, if she’s a thoughtful woman, they should… but therein lies the problem I guess.
And yes, I was making reference to relationships in which one or both partners make peace with the occasional “violation”. I wasn’t referring to open relationships. With that said, whether or not a violation is acceptable is entirely up to the offended party, so no one can say “any violation is unacceptable”, unless they speak for themselves.Whether one can live with a violation that upsets them… well, that’s on them too… and I’ve seen long-lasting, happy unions that thrive when one or both parties are quick to forgive. I’m not pretending i could do it, but lord knows it’s done.
Aidan Neal
April 20, 2014 at 5:09 pm (11 years ago)I agree. I think it really does come down to being true to oneself. Once you have a true grasp on who you are and come to love that person, what matters most to you becomes apparent. I think a lot of people don’t take the time to find those things out. We make impossible, irrational lists. As people don’t fit the bill, more and more time passes and we settle because there isn’t much “time left.” Societal pressures are the main culprit.
Evil Buckle (@MisterCheez)
May 18, 2014 at 10:59 pm (11 years ago)If the list is “impossible”, then you’re not settling are you?… seeing as you could never have checked off all the items anyway.
ItMatterstoGrey
April 20, 2014 at 4:18 pm (11 years ago)I always thing of settling when people through out the term “settling down”. Gosh, there are so many points to touch upon but one is being true to yourself and settling or being something you are not in a relationship. If you can not be honest with yourself and your partner then you are in real trouble and feeling unsettled will be a constant companion. There are those who say we are not meant to be only with one person, I want to disagree, but honestly I can’t disagree with that statement.