He Cheated……Now what?

Uncompromising people are lonely people. That is not to say one is to disregard their personal values all for the sake of having someone by their side. It simply means there is only grey (no black and white) when it comes to matters of the heart.

Anyone with more than a few female friends would have, at one point or another, had a group conversation about their thoughts on cheating. At this juncture, most of the women would have proclaimed, “He’s got to go, ” “What’s the point after that?” or “No self-respecting woman would put up with that shit.” It’s almost as though they’re reciting things from a ‘strong black woman’ flick or feel peer pressured into conforming to seeming popular ideas. These words are often uttered with so little conviction, that all but the announcer is convinced.

The cheating conversation is so timeless; so endless; ever revolving. We have all had it, heard it, and will continue to speak on it for as long as monogamy is considered the more socially acceptable norm for relationships. Unfaithfulness is devastating to any relationship. The integrity of any mutual partnership is sustained by one of two things: a mutual need, or trust. When trust is compromised it hardly seems feasible to sustain that relationship. Many psychologist say cheating is the symptom of a greater problem in a relationship. I beg to differ. While this may be true in several instances, there are so many factors that trigger infidelity and the way in which a partner reacts.

Age and Maturity. There is no reason to put up with cheating as an adolescent or young adult. Each party is still finding themselves and at 21/22 a cheating partner is most likely still acting off selfishness and instincts of exploration. A mature kind of love can be found at any age, so don’t succumb to notions that you may be too young to know when it’s real. That said, if you’ve met the all but elusive ‘one’ and an indiscretion has been made, let them go. He or she is not quite ready to be in a relationship. As much as they need time to get their selfishness out of their system is as much time as you may need to explore yours. What is for you, will always be for you. If it is meant to be, you will find your way back to each other. If this does happen, chances are you will engage each other as two young people who made their share of mistakes, learnt from them, and are now open to making a fresh start.

One should be uncompromising in a relatively young relationship (there is no exact time, it depends on the pace and emotional growth of the relationship). Failing to do so, will almost always lead to irrational feelings of doubt and increasing tensions from insecurity. One partners confidence will undoubtedly dwindle, and the other would have also suffered for it.

Surrounding Factors. The decision to call it quits after someone has been unfaithful should never be cut-and-dry. Having someone else’s body part inside you remains a mistake that escapes my imagination. However, the remnants of such a decision can evoke immediate feelings of regret and dismay, not unlike how one feels after making a mistake. These feelings can actually lead to a pretty good outcome for a relationship. In this case, it can be said that the infidelity may have been a symptom of something that has been failing in the relationship. Take the time to truly assess the possibility that you may have played a part in your partners decision. That is not to say you are in any way responsible for their seedy actions, but that it may have been a reaction to their unhappiness. A partnership takes work. If one party isn’t holding up their end of the bargain, unworthy distractions will fill in.

It’s Not Just About You. Our circumstances play a large role in how we approach every decision we make in life. Building a life with a partner means two people have implemented individual lifestyle changes as they make efforts to become one. This means accounts have been merged, assets have been shared, mutually funded investments were procured and at the very least one partners support has assisted in propelling the others success. In addition, children and/or blended families may also be involved. The way he or she reacts to their partners indiscretion(s) now has an impact on more than either party’s feelings. Extreme reactions (even if they are warranted) means someone has to leave a home they have spent quite some time building. It means a child’s life is forever changed, with rippling effects if the aftermath is not handled efficiently. It means monies become the center of daily conversations, and there is a potential for losing a life that took years to build. Yes, these thoughts should have been considered by the cheater, but you’re in this thing together, it’s no longer just about you.

The Kind(s) of Indiscretion. It really does matter. Being cheated on does not imply a lack of respect. However, the behaviors surrounding the indiscretion may. A partner who sleeps with your friend has little regard for you. 9 out of 10 times neither party should actively remain in your life. If you feel so compelled, then make room for both your partner and the ‘friend’. A one-night stand is a very different indiscretion from a love affair. Feelings of betrayal are very hard to get pass. Recounting every moment your partner went out-of-town, stayed at work late or was out with ‘coworkers’ is gut-wrenching. It’s hard enough to get past the vision of what you once considered only yours, plunging into someone else. It’s all the more difficult to make it pass the lies.

The Way You Found Out. Being honest is simply the right thing to do in any situation. There are no extra points for being forthcoming and it doesn’t hurt any less, but it may solidify ones case for remorse. Being told by someone else is terribly embarrassing and in one way or another will alter your reactions. The embarrassment amplifies the anger. Not only have you been betrayed but now the whole town knows about it.  They would have discussed it at arm’s length and anticipated your story’s ending. Your character will thereafter be defined by the choices you have made. Even those who don’t take much of what others think of them will be influenced by these thoughts. Catching someone in the act causes irreparable damage. Imaginations run wild once infidelities have been discovered. Playing a live recording of the lips that meet yours in the morning and kiss your children at breakfast, on someone else’s privates is a stain you will most likely never be able to get rid of.

The Formula

The first time you put your hand on a hot stove was probably your last. Mistakes become lessons when consequences are applied. Persons who feel sincere regret for a previous behavior will not repeat that behavior again. If they do, it becomes an impulsion, not a mistake. Be honest with yourself. Get angry not vengeful. Be forceful, not spiteful. Don’t do things you’ll live to regret. At the very least, your despicable act may thereafter level the playing field with their infidelity.

If you have chosen to forgive, then do that. Sometimes good people do pretty bad things. Someone who has had an indiscretion and feels sincere remorse is suffering too. Though the pain may not be comparable (and this is an assumption because one never knows), they are going through their share of uncertainty also. Reminding them of their blunder at every turn is not moving on. Checking their phone, email, shirt collars and who knows whatever else, is not moving on. If this is the best you can do, then it’s best to let go.

Don’t fight for a cheat. If someone has moved on, let them. A mistress is often only 20% of what he’s been missing at home. Fighting for him won’t let him realize that. It will only make you appear desperate and reaffirm his ideas that he is somehow worthy of more. If someone has chosen to leave a life behind and start a new with someone else, let them. It won’t make things any better once you’ve convinced them to come back.

Take the time to assess why you want to leave or stay in your relationship. Seek advice from those who have been in your situation, not just your single or ‘happily married friends’. They will have tons of convictions (for people who have never been in your shoes). Keep your private matters as private as possible until you have a grasp on the direction you’ve considered taking.

How have or would you approach infidelity?