You’re Just Too Picky

There are no accolades for being the confident girl; nor are there any for the independent self-driven girls. In fact, more often than not it is a deterrent to the same men who proclaim to be seeking just that.

My best friend and I are both single and approaching that doomsday third decade of our lives. Among the constant “am I gonna have any grand-kids,” we get from our parents, and the “you’re not getting any younger” that we get from our friends; we get the constant -and I mean constant- “a girl like you…your probably just too picky.” 

Once you’ve hit 25, there are pressures to settle down coming from every angle. Some are overt and comprise solely of your family’s impressions of how your life should pan out. Others are more subtle and take the form of adaptive change from your friend’s lives. Between 25 and 30, many of your friends would have gotten married and/or had children. Slowly, you would have found yourself having less and less in common than you did just 3 years prior. You would have been a bridesmaid a few times and may have attended a few weddings without a plus-one.

For the self-assured woman, who confidently lives for no one, this does not have great impact. She would have upheld these same friendships and continued to develop new ones. Despite that, some time along the next 5 to 10 years maternal instincts will kick in and the race (though any “dignified woman” would never concede that) to find a life partner would have begun. It is indeed true that everyone wants to be loved, but at 21-24 most young adults are preoccupied with making something of themselves and living the hell out of their newly earned adult (I can get shit-faced legally) lives. There are seldom any emotional voids to be filled for the well-adjusted young adult at this time. 

Last week, during brunch, a new-found friend of ours gushed about the love of her life and plans for her upcoming nuptials. We shared drinks, laughs and sincere feelings of happiness with her. As our high wound down she turned the love-life conversation in our direction. Upon sharing that we were both single and the right man hadn’t come along as yet, we got the immediate “It’s because you’re too picky.” After failed attempts to explain that we were not, I soon realized I was fighting a losing battle.

She went on to tell us about when she was younger and the long list of qualities she looked for in Mr. Right. I then thought “I don’t have any list.” She continued to say you need to be more open. I thought, “I’ve dated ugly, cute, rich, poor, educated, not so educated, short, and tall guys.” I then responded, “I believe I am very open, I just want him to be skinny and intelligent.” She answered saying, “Well there you go.” I gave a her a slightly disgruntled look and said, ” Come on here, I said intelligent and skinny. That’s what I’m attracted to. I can’t want two things???” She thereafter gave me this ‘you’ll get it one day look’.

I continued, “no, you tell me what is okay to want? What is picky?” She then asked me something I never really thought about, “what five things do you absolutely need from a guy?” To her surprise I didn’t have much of an answer.

I’ve never considered myself picky, despite being told that several times. While I’ve always been aware of what I absolutely can’t live with, I was surprised that I had never given much thought to what I absolutely need. As it would turn out, I may not have been selective enough. I then thought, if I don’t know five things I need from someone, how can I truly make them feel needed. Have I become too independent? I can think of several things I’d want from a partnership but it’s a bit harder to come up with five things that I need.

The Formula
If you find yourself hearing any one thing over and over again from different parties, it is more than reasonable to assume it may be accurate. As a part of your self growth, be an active listener (active being the operative word) and assess your stance against others claims.

That said, people often make many unwarranted decisions and perceptions based on preconceived notions. As a society, we’ve fabricated this package of what a catch should be. Intelligence, good looks, fiscal responsibility, a kind heart and warm personality are premium quality. When no one has taken someone who embodies these characteristics off the shelf there is an automatic assumption that there must be a defect. When we are unable to pin point the defect, we conclude that he or she must be the problem, she must be picky.

Sadly, we diminish people to commodities. In the gift shop of love, our minds see single women as items on a shelf. A stock of rocks, leaves and diamonds. We understand why rocks are acquired. They serve all the practical purposes of a diamond without the major upkeep and are far less expensive. One doesn’t have to worry so much that someone may steal them away and they are more or less dependable. Diamonds on the other hand are expensive, after you have acquired them they still need to be closely coveted. You can’t leave them just hanging around and chances are at one point or another many people would have envisioned what it would be like to have that same gem.

When we come across a precious stone, left carelessly for any one to snatch, it’s hard to believe someone would not already have taken it up. There’s just no sense in it so we assume something must be up.  Some times there is, but it is ignorant to assume this notion at every turn. More often than not, it comes down to the coveters self-worth and feelings of intimidation. It’s truly like going into a jewelry store and sticking to the low-end section because you’ve deduced it doesn’t even make sense to venture to the other side of the store. In this case, it may not be that you’re picky but that potential mates have assumed they cannot “afford” you.

As is always best practice, assess yourself and your surroundings. Ask yourself what you cannot live with and what you absolutely cannot live without. Share these thoughts, or list with someone you’re somewhat close to (outside eyes are more objective) and get a grasp on whether or not your expectations are absurd. Change is not easy, especially if you’ve been grounded in your thoughts so work on being open. Try dating someone who you may not consider your type. You’d be surprised how many love stories start this way.

 What are your thoughts on “picky” girls?