Before I get into the meat of this post, I must share the disclaimer that this is not about gold digging women, who as T.I. would say “they get a baller, feel that they don’t gotta pick a career. I guess they plan on sucking d**ks until some millions appear” (quote taken from the song Fancy)…Love that line.

This is instead, about the woman who has worked tirelessly-no, not on her knees- to make a more than comfortable life for herself and is seeking someone who matches her success or is doing better.

I have dated my share of not-so-financially-secure-men. Having dated wealthier counterparts, I found myself dealing with men who lacked limits, had way too much ego and annoyingly relied on their wealth to inflate their self-worth. In fact, I’ve preferred dating less financially secure men. To me, they appeared far more humble and had an attractive sense of ambition. They are able to enjoy the simple things in life and lust for the greater things in a less troubling way. All that aside, I also found that these men have their share of insecurities. Insecurities that are all the more prevalent when it is revealed that their partner may be more financially capable than they.

In a conversation with a few close male friends I expressed, “You know what, I’m not dating anyone who makes less than I.” (No I don’t talk like that but there is a goal to propagate proper English here). I was immediately combated with “So you gonna be a gold digger now?” How did those two things become the same? Why are women ridiculed for seeking out their equals? While my dating preferences have changed since then (ie. no consideration at all for economic standing), I see no issue with a woman seeking out her equal.

In fact, I appreciate the ease it can bring to a relationship and the future of that relationship’s integrity.  When two people are on the same page financially, that’s one less argument to have, and one less insecurity either party has to deal with. Each partner knows why they’re there and there’s no room for speculating the other’s intentions.

I have several properties…..Bad. I’m pursuing my doctorate….Worse….and I’m in the process of launching a business….Worst.

That’s how many men measure those credentials. While great on a personal level, they place one lower and lower on the relationship totem pole. Men who have not acquired this much, may not have the confidence that strives to surpass your success, or the humility to help propel your achievements to greater heights. You see, while many men would find your ambition admirable, many do not find it attractive. It’s just too much pressure, brought on by their self impressions and insecurities, but pressure none-the-less.

My mother, a victim (sadly, a victim) of a pretty bad divorce has always preached to me, “Don’t build no man. So you build them, is so them leave you to find somebody else.” While I do subscribe to a man (anyone for that matter) being only as faithful as his options, I just don’t have time to dwell on foreseeable negative outcomes. I’d rather live in each moment, put positive thoughts out there and deal with the consequences IF they arise.

I was in a great relationship for just about 18 months. Things got pretty serious and one valentines day, during dinner, we had a conversation about our ambitions and concluded it was time to start exploring joint ventures. We spoke about our credit scores. Mine was better, so we made plans to improve his. We spoke about moving in together, I owned, so we thought it best he move in with me. Then we got to our pay. Though his position had been more ‘prestigious’ than mine, it was revealed that I made a little more than twice his salary. Well, the relationship took a dive right then. I mean things changed within minutes. The check came and he gently slid it over to me. Since then, he showed up to places without his wallet, made remarks to the tune of, “I’m not living in no woman’s house,” and more or less had a hard time paying for anything thereafter. He was suddenly on this boost to own his own place, his own land, and a nicer car. It got exhausting and sour pretty quickly. What’s worse, is I began making myself smaller to prove to him that though he made less he would still be the one wearing the pants in my life. If I got a raise, I was afraid to share. If an opportunity came up to make an investment, I didn’t want to say. I didn’t want to appear as though I was showing off. I didn’t want him to feel I was out doing him. So I hid myself. Before I knew it, he started to make moves based off his insecurity. He had to be the man, and to feel that way he had to belittle me. And so, that relationship ended…

Formula

Thought it pains me to say it, money is a big deal. When it comes to long-term relationships, fidelity and finances are two factors that most influence the sustenance of that relationship. Even men who defy tradition and claim to be unconventional in many ways still consider bringing home the bread a big part of being a man.

To the women: Never allow anyone (man, woman, or child) to stifle your progress and who you hope to be. Your talents are limitless. If you are in an environment that stifles your possibilities, then it’s time to make changes. Either to the environment or those in it. Also, I understand that we have all been in, or witnessed a woman building a man, just for him to leave her at the pinnacle of his success. You don’t know if that will be your story, so learn from -don’t dwell on- others mistakes.

The best way to be in a relationship with a millionaire is to become one! Work….

To the men: If any part of you is measured by what you are able to acquire as opposed to who you are as a person, then it’s time to make changes as well. If you feel pressure to live up to someone else’s impression of who you should be, drop that someone. It’s just too much work to be that EVERYthing to any one person, and the minute you slip, she’ll find someone else to keep up that lifestyle. Material things don’t make you a man; not your job, your prestige, or the number of zeroes you have in the bank. Assess who you are, and what makes you proud to be that person, if you find yourself referring to your material possessions or perceived standing in your circle, go back to the drawing board. You have far more to offer, and you should know that.

To you both: Money isn’t everything but it sure impacts a lot of things. There’s nothing wrong with seeking out your equal. Just don’t close yourself off from other possibilities or make damaging comments, like “he aint shit,” or ” what I’m a do with a man who can’t do nothing for me.” What will he do with a girl like you? Be smart about your finances while you’re single. Being rescued is not a good look. Work towards making yourself the sought after ‘commodity’ in the relationship. No one can make it through this life alone, but your plan to make it should not be reliant on gliding off someone else’s hard work.

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