o-WOMAN-CONFUSED-facebookThe idea of upholding a friends-with-benefits relationship is often deemed impossible. Many believe that at some point, at least one party is doomed to become emotionally involved. If the feelings are not mutual then the relationship dissolves, someone is hurt and a friendship, thereafter is lost. The majority of folks who’ve engaged in these relationships have experienced this dissolve.

It’s been said that men are better able to separate their feelings. As a result, women who display this capability are often unjustly considered masculine. While women do tend to be more emotional creatures, the expectation that they succumb to their emotions at ‘most every whim is simply an ignorant notion. You see, being able to compartmentalize is simply not lady-like. Women who share this capability are considered damaged in some way. They have been hurt, and as a result are guarded or have trust issues. It simply can’t be that women are also capable of separating their emotions from given situations.

I was once engaged in a purely sexual relationship with a friend of mine. After months of sexual banter, I wrote off the possibility for anything more than time between sheets and conceded to a mutually beneficial relationship. As a result, I became emotionally closed off and viewed our exchange as nothing more than a transaction. That was not well received. I apparently was not loving enough; and thereby considered not feminine enough. Needless to say, I was confused by his expectations. To this day, I am perplexed by why one would have loving expectations after months of deflecting from the possibility of more than a casual relationship. Why would one expect to receive more from someone than they have conceded to give? After a lack of debauchery, I opted to break things off and remain friends. This instead, lead to some ill-feelings on his part. Despite efforts to reach a common ground, our friendship was dissolved.

Some persons have fickle personalities built on foundations of pride and ego. For these individuals, enjoyment is achieved not solely through the act of sex but through ego-stroking as well. This is not in the typical “this is the best sex I’ve ever had” sense but in the “this is so good, I don’t want you to be with anyone else” sense. While he or she may have no intentions to share more than their bed with you, their egos slowly become bruised when these sentiments are actually shared.  They become clouded with false feelings of longing, simply because they’ve never quite been in a position where they didn’t get what they wanted.  Your sincere disinterest then fuels their false interest in you. Don’t be fooled, he/she doesn’t want to be with you. Up until now, they have been lead to believe they are so great in any and every sense of the term. It therefore becomes painstakingly perplexing that you do not react to them, in the way others have. This causes said party to think of you more than they’d prefer. This constant thought becomes an infatuation, dimwittedly guised as real emotions. I assure you, the more you warm up to the idea of reciprocating, he or she will recognize their misplaced feelings.

Formula

Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to uphold a friends-with-benefits relationship. It’s even plausible to salvage a friendship long after the sex and/or emotions have caused a rift. With the right dose of maturity, a mutual level of respect, and a sincere want to remain in the other parties life, sustenance beyond shared sheets is very manageable .

If this is not your possibility, there is honestly nothing you can do. Wanting anyone who does not want you (not your assets) is an absolute waste of time.

Before engaging in a friends-with-benefits relationship, know that regardless of what either party says, there is ALWAYS a risk of destroying  a friendship. Enter your playful endeavors with caution. Also, there is no room for ego and pride in love. Falling in love is one of the most blissfully foolish things a person can do. Someone who is so overtly concerned with standing and ego does not have the capacity to care for you, so move on. If someone is for you, they’ll find their way to you. There is no need to stick things out or convince someone of how great you are.

Don’t beat yourself up if you’re the one who brought emotions into the mix. You’re human, and it’s natural to seek out connections. If you’re the party who has chosen to keep things simple, don’t despair either. Honesty is an area of vulnerability for some. It may be subconsciously shielded by denial and attempts to self-protect.  It’s not your fault someone’s truth has caught up with them. Still, be understanding and kind. Before there was casualty, there was a friendship. A sincere effort should always be made to preserve that.