Oh the lonely island…
When the notion of the one becomes so elusive it seems foolish, one clings to the only thing they have…. moments. Distinct, visceral recollections heightened to mean so much more than the nothing they previously were. Like the moment I woke up in a brief panic that you were not there, only to see u laying, eyes loving glaring at me.
From moments I pieced together a collage of him. The elusive him. The him, who like you, I would catch off-guard in shyly infatuating stares. The him who like you lauded me with acts of service. Who like you wrote me love letters, and spent hours in mutually comforting silence.
Just as we once did, he and I would make love. Like you, he would kiss my relenting scars and whisper the titillating words only u knew to say. When he holds me, each and every time he holds me, his embrace will be as warm as yours. His warmth and sincerity would envelope me and I would melt into his very core. I would lose myself in him, just as I did with you.
We would waste both time and money doing the things all conformists do. A courtship premised with fancy eateries and well planned details, sequenced by happily cancelled nights and slept in sundays. All the beginnings that would lead to an eventual end. A final chapter to close a previously disappointing tale. The one where the girl falls in love for the last time.
He would not be as passionate as you. Nor would he be able to make me climax the ways you do. But I would have matured enough by then to find contentment in our stride. A welcomed solace in all the okay-isms that would no doubt- for a time- pale in comparison to all the perks that come with unconditional love.
To have not met the one is to wonder if you already had, to wonder if he got away, to see his likeness in everyone else.
To piece together all the bests of your worsts and cultivate a person who could not exist.
To have not met the one is to be scrutinized and probed. To be offered unwelcomed rationales and even branded as defective.
To have not found the one is to be left out….left out of pretense…but left out none the less. To be left behind, stalled at a crossroads that simply does not progress.
The more one has, the more their intangible wants take precedent. Even when we are grateful for what we have, we convince ourselves that the grass is greener on the other side. Confabulating ideas of the perfectionism of what we yearn. Longing for the ideas of things until we have them.
To have not met the one is to know all these things, to be ok on most days, and to still succumb to “the lacking” on others.
It’s important to trust the process. To really trust the process, not to force denial or rationalize your way through the moments; but to truly come to the understanding that what is for you will always be for you. Believe in the timing of your life. Your wants may evolve with time, but do not compromise on your core. Good things don’t come easily and rarely come quickly. Don’t watch other people. Time should have taught you by now that those you may have once envied or sought to emulate, don’t have the kind of relationship you want, that is, if they are still in that relationship at all. Enjoy where you’re at, at this very moment. And be shamelessly sad or lonely whenever those times come. Forever is a really long time. If you are fortunate to attain it, you would have been grateful that forever started after you spent earnest years purging your system of all your singledom. Know too, that many people go their whole lives without having met the elusive one. Don’t waste your time being destructively caught up in things you cant control. The more time you spend getting to know yourself, the more the things you need in a partner will distinctively reveal themselves to you. Trust the process.